So, I have been trying to find the words to how I have been feeling, but all that comes is tears. I am dissatisfied with my life and where I am at in it. I feel like my boss hates me and I am the odd one out at work. After two years, I still want to be back in VT cause I miss my friends and life and how active it was. I've tried different churches over the course of 2 years and they all end up being wrong. But most of all, I think I am tired of being single.
When I was little I thought I would be married by the time I was 25 with at least a kid. I am 26, now, soon to be 27. Yes part of my problem is I've been so scared lately to go and try the church up the street where I could meet people. Maybe this is due to rejection maybe even fear, but whatever the case I have not walked the short distance to the church. Or maybe it's my impatience and wanting to control the situation getting in the way.
At work I am the odd one out. My boss could care less if I stay or go. My opinions and feelings don't matter and I seem to always get the short end of the stick. Since there is only 4 of us, I have no one to talk to about my problems and can't go outside my unit to our co-located group cause that would be gossip. So I stuff it all down and hope it will get better, but instead I end up in this revolving pattern.
Tears flow on a continual bases as I wonder how I got to this place.
Then a couple days ago while royally screwing up a recipe that I was making of a bridal shower and crying over it, I noticed this verse on my facebook profile,
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plan to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I hate knowing the path before me. It scares me not knowing when the other shoe will drop cause it always does, but I am holding out hope that something and someone is out there for me and trying to be content.
"I know what it is to be in need, and know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well feed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13.
I will try and be patient in not knowing my path before me. I look to the Lord for guidance and strength. I will try not let the enemy control me fear and insecurities, and when in doubt I will ask the Lord for help and let him hold me and calm my fears. And I will hope and pray that I am not the only one feeling like this, and this post will give someone hope.
I have not idea if I have had made any sense, but I hope I have.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Where Did She Go?
Recently my friend Jon passed away after long hard battle with cancer. Since his death I have been questioning myself about how I got to this place. Confused? I know I am.
In the weeks following Jon's death, I have found myself looking at old high school photographs. I was always taking pictures and recently started scrap booking them. As I was looking through a memory book I made myself after high school, I came upon senior my memory wall picture. Dot had taken all the seniors' pictures and then you write your future goals and memories on the card stock with your picture on it. I stared at that picture for quite awhile. My hair was long and red and I weighed about 15 pounds less, but what really caught my attention were my eyes. There was so much hope in them. I wasn't afraid of new experiences back then and was so outgoing maybe even to outgoing cause it bordered on hyper.
So, what happened to that girl that was so full of life and not afraid of anything? What happened to not settling and taking chances? What happened to the social butterfly that blew off school work for her friends? Will she ever come back and more importantly, will I ever be happy again with my life......
In the weeks following Jon's death, I have found myself looking at old high school photographs. I was always taking pictures and recently started scrap booking them. As I was looking through a memory book I made myself after high school, I came upon senior my memory wall picture. Dot had taken all the seniors' pictures and then you write your future goals and memories on the card stock with your picture on it. I stared at that picture for quite awhile. My hair was long and red and I weighed about 15 pounds less, but what really caught my attention were my eyes. There was so much hope in them. I wasn't afraid of new experiences back then and was so outgoing maybe even to outgoing cause it bordered on hyper.
So, what happened to that girl that was so full of life and not afraid of anything? What happened to not settling and taking chances? What happened to the social butterfly that blew off school work for her friends? Will she ever come back and more importantly, will I ever be happy again with my life......
To My Friend
To My Friend,
A beautiful person inside out.
The guy that ran out and looked under my car in the middle of bible study one night because I heard a noise and pulled out a stick that was causing the noise.
The guy that taught me to play video games and said that it was only fair since I was the one to bring all the junk food, that I should play too.
The guy that soaked me with water during a water gun fight when my gun broke.
The guy with a smooth voice that was always singing.
The guy that got all the facts before forming an opinion.
The guy behind the scenes (a techie) making sure everything was running right.
The guy who told me a few years ago how proud he was of me and how far I have come.
The guy with a big smile.
A positive person.
The guy with an AMAZING FAITH.
Words can not express how much I and everyone else will miss you. You have touched us all and you will be missed. I wish I had told you all this. You have touched my life in ways that you will never know and I am very gratefull that you were and always will be my friend. Jon, may you rest peacefully with the angels and be content.
We love you!
A beautiful person inside out.
The guy that ran out and looked under my car in the middle of bible study one night because I heard a noise and pulled out a stick that was causing the noise.
The guy that taught me to play video games and said that it was only fair since I was the one to bring all the junk food, that I should play too.
The guy that soaked me with water during a water gun fight when my gun broke.
The guy with a smooth voice that was always singing.
The guy that got all the facts before forming an opinion.
The guy behind the scenes (a techie) making sure everything was running right.
The guy who told me a few years ago how proud he was of me and how far I have come.
The guy with a big smile.
A positive person.
The guy with an AMAZING FAITH.
Words can not express how much I and everyone else will miss you. You have touched us all and you will be missed. I wish I had told you all this. You have touched my life in ways that you will never know and I am very gratefull that you were and always will be my friend. Jon, may you rest peacefully with the angels and be content.
We love you!
A Prayer
A couple of months ago when I was feeling really really low, a friend I met at church sent me this prayer. Since I can not articulate here how low I am feeling right now, I thought I would post this prayer. Maybe someone else out there is feeling like this and maybe it will remind them as well as myself that I am loved by GOD and HE will see me through this.
A PRAYER
Lord, I'm tired. Exhausted.
Sometimes I wonder how I find the strength.
So much to do, so little time and energy.
And always one thing more,nagging at the back of my mind like toothache.
Unwelcome yet hard to ignore.
I buzz around, a frantic flybattering the window pane
until I fall exhausted to the sill.
All noise and movement but so little done.
And in the effort to respond
to all the calls that others make
I find I'm losing touch with you.
The crowds get in between.
The more I do for you
the further off you seem.
A paradox until I hear your voice,
not asking more of me
but telling me to find a breathing space,
a place to rest.
And in the quiet you are there.
No accusations,
and no suggestions that I could do more.
And as we sit together
I being to realize that many of the demands I face
are self-imposed. They're mine.
Born out of ego,and the guilt I feel when I can't cope
comes from my pride and not from you.
Forgive me, Lord...
because I ask more of myself than you do.
And when I'm faced with something
I just can't find the energy to do
give me the honesty to face the fact
that maybe you're not asking it of me.
You made the world,
it wasn't me
and, valued as I am,
it's you who keeps it going.
by Eddie Askew - Cross Purposes
A PRAYER
Lord, I'm tired. Exhausted.
Sometimes I wonder how I find the strength.
So much to do, so little time and energy.
And always one thing more,nagging at the back of my mind like toothache.
Unwelcome yet hard to ignore.
I buzz around, a frantic flybattering the window pane
until I fall exhausted to the sill.
All noise and movement but so little done.
And in the effort to respond
to all the calls that others make
I find I'm losing touch with you.
The crowds get in between.
The more I do for you
the further off you seem.
A paradox until I hear your voice,
not asking more of me
but telling me to find a breathing space,
a place to rest.
And in the quiet you are there.
No accusations,
and no suggestions that I could do more.
And as we sit together
I being to realize that many of the demands I face
are self-imposed. They're mine.
Born out of ego,and the guilt I feel when I can't cope
comes from my pride and not from you.
Forgive me, Lord...
because I ask more of myself than you do.
And when I'm faced with something
I just can't find the energy to do
give me the honesty to face the fact
that maybe you're not asking it of me.
You made the world,
it wasn't me
and, valued as I am,
it's you who keeps it going.
by Eddie Askew - Cross Purposes
My 2008 Obsessions
Ok, as many of you know I am a SHOPAHOLIC, but there are just some things that I just can not live without or have to watch/tivo, so here is my top 10 things that I absolutely love for 2008, in no particular order:
1. Method cleaning products: they smell fantastic, you only need a small amount, the bathroom wipes and sweeping clothes are biodegradable, and you don't breathe in those nasty chemicals. Also as you may have guessed they are environmentally safe. I have gotten so many people hooked on the stuff including my mother. Oh I even have there fabric shopping bags for grocery shopping.
2. Forever 21: my secret store to find great affordable dresses, tops, tunics, and jewelery at a fabulous price.
3. As you may have guessed DRESSES: they are easy to wear, just throw on with some jewelry
and cute shoes and off to work I go. Plus depending on the cut, they can hide something like your stomach, but still feel fabulous.
4. Old Navy Mid-Rise Flirt Jeans in short: finally jeans that fit me. I may look like I have long legs, but a lot of my pants/jeans drag on the ground when I wear flats and petite pants make me look like I have high waters on. These jeans fit me perfectly even with flats and the back is a little higher so when I bend down you don't get a free show and I love the dark color. Oh and they are under $30.
5. Flat Boots: Great with just about everything. Currently I am looking for a pair in black and will start saving now for them and will buy them this summer so I can actually own a pair for my big feet.
6. Jon and Kate + 8: I have gotten so many people hooked on this TLC show. A great couple with 2 sets of multiples (twins and sextuplets) and they are able to laugh through the trials and mishaps. It's the Human Development and Family Studies major that makes me watch this show over and over again.
7. Project Runaway: I am a PR junkie I have seen every episode multiple times and can even predict what the judges will say.
8. Starbucks: I love almost every drink, they have reduced fat items (the turkey bacon egg sandwich on a whole wheat english muffin is soooo good and not at all greasy), and you can always find one.
9. Lucky/Domino Magazine: My favorite fashion mag is Lucky because they show you how to wear clothes and make up in the real world, plus they have how toos and now they make a mag for designing your home. I have gotten great ideas/tips for redoing my apartment.
10. Target: I can go in there and buy clothing, housewares, my Method cleaning products, and even food.
1. Method cleaning products: they smell fantastic, you only need a small amount, the bathroom wipes and sweeping clothes are biodegradable, and you don't breathe in those nasty chemicals. Also as you may have guessed they are environmentally safe. I have gotten so many people hooked on the stuff including my mother. Oh I even have there fabric shopping bags for grocery shopping.
2. Forever 21: my secret store to find great affordable dresses, tops, tunics, and jewelery at a fabulous price.
3. As you may have guessed DRESSES: they are easy to wear, just throw on with some jewelry
and cute shoes and off to work I go. Plus depending on the cut, they can hide something like your stomach, but still feel fabulous.
4. Old Navy Mid-Rise Flirt Jeans in short: finally jeans that fit me. I may look like I have long legs, but a lot of my pants/jeans drag on the ground when I wear flats and petite pants make me look like I have high waters on. These jeans fit me perfectly even with flats and the back is a little higher so when I bend down you don't get a free show and I love the dark color. Oh and they are under $30.
5. Flat Boots: Great with just about everything. Currently I am looking for a pair in black and will start saving now for them and will buy them this summer so I can actually own a pair for my big feet.
6. Jon and Kate + 8: I have gotten so many people hooked on this TLC show. A great couple with 2 sets of multiples (twins and sextuplets) and they are able to laugh through the trials and mishaps. It's the Human Development and Family Studies major that makes me watch this show over and over again.
7. Project Runaway: I am a PR junkie I have seen every episode multiple times and can even predict what the judges will say.
8. Starbucks: I love almost every drink, they have reduced fat items (the turkey bacon egg sandwich on a whole wheat english muffin is soooo good and not at all greasy), and you can always find one.
9. Lucky/Domino Magazine: My favorite fashion mag is Lucky because they show you how to wear clothes and make up in the real world, plus they have how toos and now they make a mag for designing your home. I have gotten great ideas/tips for redoing my apartment.
10. Target: I can go in there and buy clothing, housewares, my Method cleaning products, and even food.
Easter 2007
Less than 2 hours away from Easter Sunday, here I sit at my lap top with the "Passion of the Christ" playing in the background. I was flipping through the channels about an hour ago, not wanting to watch the "Ten Commandments' for the umpteenth time, scanned all the way down to the movie channels to find that I had TMC, and guess what was playing. I immediately flipped the station and sat and watched.
What some of you may not know is that I love this movie. Some may call me crazy because I have seen it sooooo many times I have lost count, but it is the most moving piece of film that documents one of the most famous reality story out there. The last days of Jesus Christ. The film making alone is truly amazing, but then the telling of Jesus' crucifixion is nearly true to form (notice I said nearly, cause yes I know that there are a handful of scenes leading up to the crucifixion that are not in the bible). The parts that are not biblical are poignant and moving, but the filming and flashbacks are only a tiny portion of why I love this movie.
Within the first 5 minutes I begin to cry. The minute I see the soldiers coming to take him. Even now, tears run down my face.
I remember going to the opening 3 years ago on Ash Wednesday. I took a car full of people and a box of tissues, cause I had cried from just seeing the trailer. I sat between friends as I watched the soldiers on the screen beat and spit on him. I remember closing my eyes at some scenes and hearing this voice tell me, "no Jessica, you need to see this. You need to know how and why cause this is for you." So I held my friend's hand and felt her tears hitting my hand. I squinted and began to pray in my seat, grateful prayers. When discussing the movie with people I would later tell them, it had to be that harsh and violent, for Jesus came to take on the sins of the world. The world numbers many dead and alive by these standards.
Every time I watch is movie I get something new to take away from it. This time, since I am trying to be in the word everyday, I know the scriptures that the scenes reference. That is probably the most thrilling thing for me, to be able to quote the scriptures for certain scenes.
There are so many parts that I could dwell on, but I will only dwell on 3.
One of my favorite parts is a flashback to when Mary Magdaline comes crawling on her knees to the feet of The Lord. I have felt like that on so many occasions. That disgusting feeling and thinking no one in the world could possibly understand, but then there HE is. He takes Mary and makes her clean (she repents of her sins) again and it changes her world. I have seen that in my own life and I am so grateful for it.
My other favorite scene is when the tear falls from heaven and the whole earth shakes. I didn't catch this till just now, but everyone is running around and panicking except for Mary Mother of Jesus, Mary Magdaline, and John. They just stood before the cross. No fear. This part reminds me that I have nothing to fear if I trust in the Lord.
And lastly there is my all time favorite part. You see the cloth Jesus was wrapped in deflate and there HE sits. He is PERFECT. The only marks on His Body are the marks from where nails went through His hands. He smiles and gets up and that's the end of the movie. Why is this my favorite part? Because it shows that He is ALIVE and all of that was for you and me. I always feel that the last part of that sentence should be captioned in the movie to drive the point home.
I remember when the movie was over, people getting up around me and my friends. We knelt no the sticky floor of the theatre and prayed. We couldn't leave. When we were finally asked to move by an usher, we left not speaking a word to each other and got into my car where I put on the song "Grace Like Rain" and drove. To this day I still can remember smiling through my tears as we sang the song at the top of our lungs.
This Easter is my first time away from many of you. Away from traditions and two church families that I love with all my heart. This Easter I am reminded of all the memories I shared with you all around this time and I am grateful to those of you who helped get me to where I am today. For sharing your love of Our Lord with me and teaching me to do the same. That is what I take away from this movie, THE LOVE OF ONE MAN FOR US ALL.
Hopefully I made some sense here, since I am very tired and have been really ill. I wish everyone have very happy Easter, may it not be all about Easter egg hunts, candy, and fake plastic grass. May you take the time to share in the Lord's Love with someone, the way you shared it with me.
What some of you may not know is that I love this movie. Some may call me crazy because I have seen it sooooo many times I have lost count, but it is the most moving piece of film that documents one of the most famous reality story out there. The last days of Jesus Christ. The film making alone is truly amazing, but then the telling of Jesus' crucifixion is nearly true to form (notice I said nearly, cause yes I know that there are a handful of scenes leading up to the crucifixion that are not in the bible). The parts that are not biblical are poignant and moving, but the filming and flashbacks are only a tiny portion of why I love this movie.
Within the first 5 minutes I begin to cry. The minute I see the soldiers coming to take him. Even now, tears run down my face.
I remember going to the opening 3 years ago on Ash Wednesday. I took a car full of people and a box of tissues, cause I had cried from just seeing the trailer. I sat between friends as I watched the soldiers on the screen beat and spit on him. I remember closing my eyes at some scenes and hearing this voice tell me, "no Jessica, you need to see this. You need to know how and why cause this is for you." So I held my friend's hand and felt her tears hitting my hand. I squinted and began to pray in my seat, grateful prayers. When discussing the movie with people I would later tell them, it had to be that harsh and violent, for Jesus came to take on the sins of the world. The world numbers many dead and alive by these standards.
Every time I watch is movie I get something new to take away from it. This time, since I am trying to be in the word everyday, I know the scriptures that the scenes reference. That is probably the most thrilling thing for me, to be able to quote the scriptures for certain scenes.
There are so many parts that I could dwell on, but I will only dwell on 3.
One of my favorite parts is a flashback to when Mary Magdaline comes crawling on her knees to the feet of The Lord. I have felt like that on so many occasions. That disgusting feeling and thinking no one in the world could possibly understand, but then there HE is. He takes Mary and makes her clean (she repents of her sins) again and it changes her world. I have seen that in my own life and I am so grateful for it.
My other favorite scene is when the tear falls from heaven and the whole earth shakes. I didn't catch this till just now, but everyone is running around and panicking except for Mary Mother of Jesus, Mary Magdaline, and John. They just stood before the cross. No fear. This part reminds me that I have nothing to fear if I trust in the Lord.
And lastly there is my all time favorite part. You see the cloth Jesus was wrapped in deflate and there HE sits. He is PERFECT. The only marks on His Body are the marks from where nails went through His hands. He smiles and gets up and that's the end of the movie. Why is this my favorite part? Because it shows that He is ALIVE and all of that was for you and me. I always feel that the last part of that sentence should be captioned in the movie to drive the point home.
I remember when the movie was over, people getting up around me and my friends. We knelt no the sticky floor of the theatre and prayed. We couldn't leave. When we were finally asked to move by an usher, we left not speaking a word to each other and got into my car where I put on the song "Grace Like Rain" and drove. To this day I still can remember smiling through my tears as we sang the song at the top of our lungs.
This Easter is my first time away from many of you. Away from traditions and two church families that I love with all my heart. This Easter I am reminded of all the memories I shared with you all around this time and I am grateful to those of you who helped get me to where I am today. For sharing your love of Our Lord with me and teaching me to do the same. That is what I take away from this movie, THE LOVE OF ONE MAN FOR US ALL.
Hopefully I made some sense here, since I am very tired and have been really ill. I wish everyone have very happy Easter, may it not be all about Easter egg hunts, candy, and fake plastic grass. May you take the time to share in the Lord's Love with someone, the way you shared it with me.
My Top 10 Obsessions 2006
My Top 10 Obsessions
Since I am new to this blog thing, I thought I would try something simple for people to get to know me, or if you already know me, what's new with me. So, in no particular order my Top 10 Current Obsessions.
1. Project Runway:I am a total PR junkie, all 3 seasons. I would buy the shirts and mugs and all that stuff if I could afford it.
2. Fabric: This has been going on for nearly 2 yrs. I love tweed and cashmere
3. Home Decorating: Every store I go into I pick stuff out for an apartment I don't even have yet.
I even want a dyson vacuum, in purple of course.
4. Starbucks: Currently Pumpkin Spice Latte and White Mocha
5. Long Layered Necklaces
6. Ballet Flats: I want them in every color and texture
7. Lucky Magazine: I have read every issue since it premiered 4 yrs ago.
8. Multi grain Torstitos Chips: Less carbs and they taste better
9. Anything New York: Stems from not living in NY for 12 yrs
10. Black and White Photos: So classic, my faves being old vintage NY pics
Since I am new to this blog thing, I thought I would try something simple for people to get to know me, or if you already know me, what's new with me. So, in no particular order my Top 10 Current Obsessions.
1. Project Runway:I am a total PR junkie, all 3 seasons. I would buy the shirts and mugs and all that stuff if I could afford it.
2. Fabric: This has been going on for nearly 2 yrs. I love tweed and cashmere
3. Home Decorating: Every store I go into I pick stuff out for an apartment I don't even have yet.
I even want a dyson vacuum, in purple of course.
4. Starbucks: Currently Pumpkin Spice Latte and White Mocha
5. Long Layered Necklaces
6. Ballet Flats: I want them in every color and texture
7. Lucky Magazine: I have read every issue since it premiered 4 yrs ago.
8. Multi grain Torstitos Chips: Less carbs and they taste better
9. Anything New York: Stems from not living in NY for 12 yrs
10. Black and White Photos: So classic, my faves being old vintage NY pics
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